Good morning, heartache, here we go again
Good morning, heartache, you’re the one who knew me when
Might as well get used to you hangin’ around
Good morning, heartache, sit down.
I’m not very good company these days. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone lately. It’s not that I know how to grieve—no one prepares you for that—I just seem to have shut down. It’s a gargantuan effort to hold such a profound pain at bay so I’ve defaulted to numbness. I’m always tired. I keep odd hours. I sleep a ton, eat when I have to but rarely savor it, drink more than I ought to. Life is pretty lackluster.
People keep asking me how I’m doing. And I’m just…doing. To stop and feel the weight of the loss is akin to being swept away by a tsunami—huge, damaging and permanent. So I perform the minimal daily tasks and try to carry on like everything’s normal when nothing will be the same, ever. Floating through the motions like a ghost. Why doesn’t someone warn you that those taken for granted will be the hardest to lose?
As it turns out, my Gammy was the love of my life. No one will ever love me as deeply, as constantly and with as much sheer unconditional force as she did. No one will ever think I’m as smart, as charming or as beautiful as she did. No one will light up like a hundred birthday candles when I walk into the room. And that hurts my heart to know. Like realizing you’re no longer the ingénue or the star quarterback or just the apple of someone’s eye. To become irrelevant is untethering.
Life can be so stupid. Like why is it you can’t see what great skin you had until the wrinkles etch across it? Why can’t you know which kiss or touch from a lover will be the final one you ever share together? Or that the last words or loving look you give to a beloved will be just that, the last? The opportunity to truly savor the moment is lost before it’s found. Maybe it’s not stupid after all. Maybe life is gentle and kind as a grandmother to keep these things from us. Because if we understood in advance maybe we’d all go numb from the excruciating weight of the sadness.