I spent the grey overcast day in bed. With the drought we’re experiencing here in California, I should have rejoiced in the small shower we had this morning. I have been sick for a week with the tenacious flu that’s been going around and I’m still recovering. But that wasn’t it entirely. The truth is I was in a funk all day. A blue mood.
I woke in the wee hours from a strange dream: the man I had a relationship with this time last year was deeply in love with me and we were very much connected. Dreams can be strangely intense, so vivid and haunting. The thing about dreams is that no matter how vibrant and real they seem, you always wake up.
I suppose it’s natural to grieve on a one year anniversary and perhaps this time next year I won’t even think of him. But this year it still hurts. On top of that are the unanswered questions and confusion. And lack of closure. I thought I was doing pretty well and it was getting easier. Until I heard that he’d met someone new. That was rough. But even still, I was moving forward. Then I had that damn dream. All those feelings came back so penetratingly–of loving and being loved. And then consciousness snatched it all away in a matter of waking seconds, fragments of passion clinging like the threads of a broken spider’s web.
I decided on this week’s photo because of all of Silky’s marriages, her short wartime relationship with Lord Stanley of Alderley was probably the most melancholy of the five. At best, World War II was raging and they were separated for months at a time while he was at sea with the Royal Navy. Distance can sometimes heighten romance, but longing stretched out over long periods is ultimately unsatisfying and damaging. After the war ended and they were back together in London, they found they had little in common and the union quickly dissolved.
It’s funny how you think you know someone–deeply and intimately–and it turns out you didn’t really know them at all. It leaves you wondering if it was all in your head or if you were just foolish and gullible for believing what they said. But what sort of a relationship can you hope to have if you can’t trust the other person to be forthright and honest? Of course, that requires them to be truthful to themselves…and that’s where things can get very sticky indeed.
For now, I’m just hopeful for a good night’s dreamless sleep. And some more rain.