“Love gets you in the gut, takes the top off of your head and makes you wish that you were dead. Drugs help, but not enough. Take the lid off of your mind and scoop out everything you find. Meteor shower! Meteor Shower! I cannot make light, I’m so burned out. I know where you are. I cannot believe how much it hurts. I’m a fallen star.”
—Meteor Shower by Rhett Miller
It isn’t until you start extricating a person from your life that you see just how entangled they’ve become. When you let someone in—really let them in—their presence seeps into every corner and crevice of your world, so that removing them becomes a form of intricate surgery. It takes time and patience. And more time. Just when you think you’re beginning to move on, some small thing will trip you up and push you back under while you struggle for breath.
I am reminded of Silky’s losses, her failed marriages. I imagine she wondered, just as I do, how much of the responsibility of the failure was hers. The press was certainly unkind when her very public marriage to Clark Gable began to show signs of strain. It’s a small consolation that when Douglas Fairbanks died in 1939, it was in no way her fault. If a short term break up feels this bad, what must’ve it been like to have been a widow?
Grief is a mighty force, but it does slowly ebb and lessen as the days and weeks and months pass. Eventually, one is left with only the love and the fond memories. I’m looking forward to that.